Willing to Commit.

Okay, first things first: I did not intentionally place the fact that I got hit by a minivan and that I had to go to the hospital this week right next to each other. Both events were entirely unrelated and I realized that the situation must have sounded must more dramatic than was intended... my sincerest apologies. I had to go to the doctor for a minor problem... and yes, I did get hit by a minivan. But it was not moving very fast at all and I did not get injured from that occurrence. Again, sowwy. My bad?

In other news... I'm starting this week off with something I wrote in my little blue book full of words: "Things feel a little unaligned; as if the pieces of my soul don't all fit together just like they should. And they just grind and grind, trying to make room, trying to find a place. It's not entirely unbearable... but then again, it's not all together desirable either. I'm under construction... and all I have control over, for the time being, is whether or not I'll decide to smile. But as far as I know, there's no real use in frowning."

I think one of the toughest things about being a missionary is feeling like all your problems and weaknesses are on display for the whole world to see. I mean, obviously everyone has their own problems and weaknesses-- it's part of being human-- but I've never before felt so vulnerable to my own imperfections. And yet-- I've never before been so happy. It's the strangest thing.

I was reading the book "Daughters in My Kingdom" and I was so touched by all the incredible accounts of strong, faithful, loving, courageous women who helped build up the church in these latter-days. Each story told of incredible women who gave up so much in order to build up God's kingdom on the earth; I want to be just like them. But sometimes it's so easy to feel selfish and mediocre in your own weaknesses. I read the accounts of these women and all I could keep thinking to myself is, "How can I be more like them?" The Lord expects so much of me and sometimes I feel as if I'm not living up to my full potential.

I spent a lot of time on my knees this week looking for answers on how I can be and do better. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that our weaknesses cannot define who we are unless we allow them to. We can conquer any weakness or trial that is placed in our path of life as long as we look to the Lord and rely on Him for strength. Sometimes it's scary to stand at a stopping point and not know in which direction you should walk to get to where you want to be. I've been stuck in the same little spot for a long time just waiting to receive a push in the right direction...

But I learned that sometimes the trick is just trusting enough to make that first step, in faith, on your own. 

I was studying commitments in Preach My Gospel this week in preparation for some of the lessons we had scheduled. We've been meeting with a few really awesome people who have so much potential but who have been limited in their improvement because we've been timid on giving them good, specific commitments. (Everyone is so busy that we sometimes feel like it's necessary to re-build our relationship every time we meet because there's so much time between each individual appointment.) But I am reminded again and again that the only way to help people come closer to the Savior is by actively inviting them to do so. And promising specific blessings is a way of helping them exercise their faith as they actively seek to follow these commitments. 

As I spent some time prayerfully preparing commitments (and seeking out which blessings to promise) for these people, I was struck by a powerful impression: "You've been looking for answers on how you can improve. Why are you waiting? I know what you are capable of doing and you know that you can do anything as long as you rely upon me. What blessings do you desire and what are you willing to do in order to receive them?"

I was waiting for an answer and the answer I received was that the Lord was trusting me to come up with my own solution. He wanted me to prayerfully come up with specific commitments and goals for myself so that He can bless me in the ways I need to be blessed. And so, that's exactly what I did. 

And as soon as I made those commitments to the Lord, I immediately started seeing miracles. This week we set a MIRACLE baptism date with one of our investigators. It literally got to the point in which we all got down in the middle of our lesson to pray to see if the date in which we were trying to set with her would please the Lord. She offered the prayer and when it ended, we were all in tears.

These people are on their journey back home to our Heavenly Father-- we're just here along for the ride and showing them where they can find their answers. It's such an incredible opportunity.

I love you all!
Hope you know that.

xoxo,

Sister CaLea Bagley